Why Do I Get So Angry and How Can I Stop Blaming Others for It

The question, "Why Do I Get So Angry and How Can I Stop Blaming Others for It", is one I’ve asked myself more times than I can count. I would love to pretend I don’t ask it anymore, but I still do. And when I share it with others, I find I’m not alone. Why do we get so angry? Why do we find ourselves blaming others for how we feel, even when we know better?

I hope this reflection helps both of us. Because it’s not about never getting angry. It’s about seeing anger in a new way, one that opens the door to compassion rather than judgment.

A Common Question with a Surprising Answer

We often talk about being triggered. “They triggered me,” we say, as though our upset was handed to us by someone else. The idea that we are upset because of something out there is spoken about in society as if it’s obviously true.

But what if it isn’t?

What if being “triggered” is not caused by someone’s words or actions? What if the trigger is inside us and is a reflection of our own thinking in that moment?

That’s what the Three Principles understanding points us toward. That our feelings come from our thinking, not from the outside world. This insight doesn’t mean we stop having strong reactions. It means we can start to see where they come from. And that changes everything.

What If Anger Is a Mirror?

It still looks like the other person is causing my anger. That if they could just stop behaving that way, I could be happy. But even when I know better, I forget. I get lost in it. I still catch myself thinking, “If only they would stop doing that, I could feel peace.”

And then I remember the question that has helped me more than anything else.

What is my equivalent?

Or as my friend Michaela says, “Where am I like that?”

This question has opened something in me. Not a way to fix anger, not a way to become a better person, but a way to return to something softer. It reminds me that I’m not separate from the person I’m judging. It brings me back to the shared human experience.

The Inside-Out Understanding

It’s easy to forget that our experience is always created from the inside out. Not sometimes. Not most of the time. Always.

When I first came across this understanding, some things changed quickly. I stopped getting angry with other drivers the way I used to. At first, I’d tell myself they were just idiots. Then I moved into thinking maybe they were having a bad day. Now I can see something deeper and that is that they are reacting from their own thinking, just like I am. And they don’t even know they’re doing it.

No one is choosing their behaviour in the way we imagine. Each moment is shaped by sleep, stress, gut health, childhood patterns, societal influence, past experiences and a thousand other unseen forces. We think people are making clear, logical decisions to upset us and they aren’t.

The Question That Softens Everything

Asking, “What is my equivalent?” doesn’t mean beating yourself up. Please don’t go there. It’s not about swapping judgment of others for judgment of yourself.

It’s about seeing that we are the same. All of us. That we’re all doing the best we can with the thinking that looks true to us in the moment.

And the more I ask that question, the more quickly I can return to a grounded state. Instead of spiralling into judgment, I catch myself. Sometimes it even makes me laugh. That lightness is precious. It shifts everything.

Layers of Thought and the Illusion of Choice

We often assume people are choosing their behaviour in a conscious, considered way. But we are not static identities pressing the right button every time. We are flowing experiences shaped by countless unseen factors. The identity that chooses is not fixed. That is why we behave one way in one moment, and a completely different way the next.

And once we see that no one is consciously choosing their thought-created state, how can we keep blaming them? Or ourselves?

This insight dissolves blame. Because blame assumes control. But control is an illusion on that level. We do not choose which thoughts we believe. Not really.

From Judgment to Curiosity

When we stop needing to be right, when we stop needing others to behave a certain way so we can feel okay, something softens. Something shifts.

It helps to approach this with a kind of curiosity. Not a fake “Well I guess I’ll ask the question because Clare said I should” kind of thing. But a real curiosity. What is my equivalent here?

And sometimes what I find is funny. Sometimes it’s humbling. Sometimes it’s liberating. But it always brings me back to myself. Not in a self-critical way. In a connected way.

The Gentle Power of Compassion

This practice opens the door to compassion. Not as a strategy or a mindset technique, but as a natural byproduct of seeing how much we all share.

That person who upset you? Their thinking looked real to them in that moment. Just like yours does to you. And when you’re angry, you’re doing the best you can with the thoughts that appear real.

This is not about tolerating harmful behaviour. It’s not about avoiding boundaries. It’s about meeting ourselves and others in a place of understanding rather than condemnation.

A Pause Changes Everything

When anger rises, it’s often a signal. A little nudge inward. A call from your own system to return to yourself.

You do not need to fight the anger. You do not need to fix it. Just pause.

Take that moment to look inward. Be with yourself. Ask the question. Let go of the idea that you should be beyond this by now.

This work is not about perfection. It is about presence. It is about seeing the innocence in ourselves and others. It is about gently, kindly, coming home.

Final Thoughts

If you find yourself asking “Why do I get so angry?” or “How do I stop blaming others for how I feel?”, you are not alone. I still ask those questions too.

And yet, every time I remember to pause, every time I remember to ask, “What’s my equivalent?”, something softens. Something lifts. And a little more peace finds its way in.

Thank you for reading. I hope this was helpful. Let me know how it lands with you. And if you’d like to explore this more deeply, you are always welcome to book a discovery call.

Take care and lots of love, Clare x