Why Do I Get So Angry All the Time?

I used to wake up in the morning, and before I even got downstairs, it was already there, that tight, volcanic feeling rising in my chest like something was about to explode. I was in a relationship at the time and the person I was living with would always go to bed after me, leaving the mess behind. So, I’d come downstairs and be immediately met with something he hadn’t done or had done differently to how I’d asked and I’d feel sure that this was why I was angry.

I was so certain that my anger was being caused by him and it was tiring, because it takes a lot of energy to be angry.

If you’re asking yourself why you get so angry all the time, it might be because you’re exhausted too. Because it keeps coming back, and you’re not sure how to stop it.

And not just because anger drains your energy. But because it often leads us to say and do things we later regret. I know I did. I said and did a lot from a place of anger that I now wish I hadn’t.

I try not to live in regret, but it’s fair to say some of those moments were not my finest. They were not helpful. They weren’t kind.

Anger, self-judgment, and the urge to control

The next layer that often appears is being hard on ourselves. We see anger as a flaw. As something we should be able to control.

I speak a lot about our efforts to control things, especially the inner critic.
That attempt to have a quieter, kinder mind. A mind that isn’t constantly judging or attacking us.

But trying to control the mind is utterly exhausting.

And if we see anger as a flaw, we’ll try to manage it, tame it, get rid of it.
We’ll try to behave our way out of feeling that way.

But what if anger isn’t a flaw at all?
What if it’s actually a sign that your system is functioning exactly as it’s meant to, and you’re simply misunderstanding a very important signal?

Your body is wise

I often say that when something shows up in the body in areas like the chest, the stomach and the gut, it’s not random.

I don’t mean physical illness or discomfort from food. I mean that emotional sensation, that tightening or heat or surge that we feel when we’re upset.

Those signals aren’t mistakes.
They’re a gift.

Anger is a message.
Not about what the other person did or didn’t do.
Not about how many times you’ve asked them to do something, and they still haven’t.

It’s revealing something about your thinking.
About your perception in that moment.
Not about them.

Let’s be honest. Most of the time when we’re angry, it’s about another person, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s about ourselves. But even then, it’s still about our perception.

For me, anger has always felt like a volcano going off in the middle of my body.
It’s fiery. It rises fast. It feels powerful.

And I used to believe it was completely caused by other people.
What they had or hadn’t done.
What I thought they should or shouldn’t have done.

But here’s what I’ve come to see:
That feeling doesn’t come from them.
It comes from thought.
From perception.
From all those internal rules about what’s acceptable, what’s respectful, and what shouldn’t be happening.

The moment I saw it clearly

I remember one moment very clearly.

I was standing in the corner of my kitchen, reading a long, rude WhatsApp message from someone. I could feel the volcano inside me starting to erupt and the anger rising quickly through my chest.

And then, in the middle of that moment, I heard something. A quiet voice inside said, “You are not in a fit state to respond. Put the phone down.”

And I did.

I didn’t react. I didn’t lash out. I didn’t feed the fire.

Later, after some rest, food, and a bit of television, I came back to the message and saw it differently. The person who sent it was clearly upset. I didn’t need to add anything to that.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t respond or set boundaries later. But the place I came from was calm, not chaotic. And that changes everything.

When we try to manage anger

When we’re triggered, most of us try to do one of two things:
We either lash out and try to make the other person stop, or we try to squash the feeling down and be calm.

Both come from misunderstanding the source of the emotion.

Anger isn’t there to be managed. It’s there to be noticed. To be understood.

And most importantly, to be met with awareness, not control.

That’s where the purposeful pause comes in.
I don’t usually teach tools or techniques, but if I teach anything, it’s the pause.
Just long enough to notice what’s happening. To feel your feet on the floor. To take a breath.

When you pause, there’s often space to hear something deeper.
And in that space, you realise you don’t need to act from the flare.

The role of conditioning

Many of us were brought up in environments where anger wasn’t welcome.

I was born in 1971, and I grew up in a time where children were taught to get on with things, to push feelings down, to get over it.

There are strengths in that. We’re resilient, many of us. But we also carry conditioning that says certain emotions aren’t acceptable.

So, when anger arises, we try to stay calm at all costs.

But staying calm isn’t about effort.
It’s not about gripping tighter.

It’s about understanding what’s actually going on inside you.

So why do you get so angry all the time?

Because you’re believing something in that moment that isn’t true.

Usually, it’s a story about what someone else should or shouldn’t be doing.

Or it’s a belief that if they don’t stop, you won’t be okay.

But anger doesn’t come from them.
It comes from your perception.
From thought.

And when you begin to see that, even a little, you’ll find the space to respond differently.

You’ll stop needing to fight with yourself.
You’ll stop being angry about your anger.
You’ll stop thinking it means something is wrong with you.

The invitation

So next time you feel it rise don’t try to control it.

Pause.

Breathe.

Get curious.

Ask yourself:
What am I believing right now?
What story is behind this feeling?

And then notice this:
The anger is already moving through you.
You don’t need to do anything to push it away.

And from that place of calm, you might still speak. You might set a boundary. You might walk away.

But it will come from wisdom, not reactivity.

That’s the difference.

And it changes everything.

If this resonates and you’re feeling the pull to explore this more personally, I offer complimentary 1:1 clarity calls and voice note coaching

These are calm, reflective spaces where we can gently look at what’s coming up for you. Whether it’s anger, overwhelm, or the pressure to always keep it all together.

There’s no fixing or strategy, just space to see more clearly and reconnect with your own inner wisdom.

If that feels like something you’d value, you can book one of those opportunities here.

Much love

Clare x