Why Overthinking About Yourself Is Exhausting You and What to Do Instead

The Weight of Constant Self-Focus

There was a time when I thought the way forward was to focus more on myself.

I innocently believed that I could think my way into clarity, productivity, and peace. Mostly productivity!

All around me were messages telling me to self-reflect more, to improve more, to strive more. And I believed them. I treated myself like a project to be managed. Every moment was a check-in:

Am I doing enough?

Am I doing it right?

Am I improving fast enough?

I lived in a constant loop of self-surveillance. It felt like self-awareness, but because of all the judgement, it was actually self-consciousness.

And it was exhausting.

Self-Development or Self-Surveillance?

This kind of self-monitoring might look productive. It might even be praised in certain spaces. But what I’ve come to see is that it drains the very energy we need to do the things we care about. 

I spent more time focusing on whether Clare was doing it right than actually getting on with what mattered. 

This showed up in my business. In relationships. In how I ate. In how I moved. In how I created. And it didn’t bring progress. It brought pressure. 

It created a loop: I believed I wasn’t enough, so I tried harder to fix myself, which made me notice more things that seemed wrong, which made me feel worse. And so the cycle continued. 

A Personal Story from the Yoga Mat

One moment that always makes me smile now is a memory from a yoga class I attended during my burnout recovery.

It was a weekday class, mostly attended by elderly people and pregnant women. And there I was, a fit woman in her forties, comparing my downward dog to theirs.

As if being better than someone else in yoga was going to make me feel okay.

Looking back, it was ridiculous. But at the time, it felt serious. And I think that seriousness was part of what had led me to burnout. I had lost my sense of humour. I had lost my lightness. I had lost the part of me that could say, "This is just a moment."

Online Dating and Taking Everything Personally

Another example was online dating. Every message that didn’t come, every match that didn’t reply, every glance at a profile turned into a judgment of me.

I wasn’t good enough.

I wasn’t interesting enough.

I wasn’t lovable. 

It all felt so personal. So serious. So urgent. So anxious. 

I can see now that what was missing wasn’t a better dating strategy. What was missing was ease, lightness and the freedom that comes from not taking everything so personally. 

What Happens When We’re in Our Heads

I often ask my clients: “Are you in your head or in the world?” 

Because many of us, especially high achievers, spend most of our time in our heads. 

We are not actually out in the world, creating, connecting, expressing. We are sitting at our desks, thinking about thinking, wondering what the right thing to say or do might be. 

And all that overthinking pulls us away from the very feedback loop that would help us grow. That is, real-world interaction, trial and error, authentic engagement. 

The Inner Critic’s Favourite Trick

The inner critic thrives on self-monitoring. It whispers: "If you just check in with yourself a little more, maybe you’ll catch what’s wrong before someone else does." 

It tells us we are being responsible. But really, it keeps us trapped. It replaces creativity with control. 

I remember realising that the critic’s role was to constantly monitor Clare, to make sure she was being a good girl, doing the right thing, staying out of trouble. But the result was not growth. It was paralysis. 

The Cost of Taking Ourselves So Seriously

Life is a ramshackle thing. There is so much happening outside us, in the world, in our environments, in our relationships. But when we are constantly treating every experience as a personal reflection of our worth, life gets very heavy. 

It becomes difficult to move, to decide, to express. 

Even something like a comment from a partner can become loaded. I remember noticing that if Bruce used a certain tone or seemed distracted, I would take it to mean something about me. 

I wasn’t interesting. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t loved. 

But it was never about that. It was about where my attention was going and how quickly I turned a moment into a meaning about me. 

The Body Knows When It’s Too Much

There is a physical cost to all this seriousness. When we treat every thought as urgent or true, our bodies feel tight. Restricted. Rushed. 

I often guide clients back to their bodies. Ask yourself: How does this thought feel? Is there pressure in your chest? Tension in your gut? Is there a sense of urgency that pushes you forward but leaves you exhausted? 

That is not wisdom. That is the mind doing what it does when it thinks your worth is at stake. 

Lightening Up is Not Avoidance

Letting go of seriousness is not spiritual bypass. It is not about pretending everything is okay when it is not. It is about remembering that you are okay even when life is messy. 

I once heard someone say, "If it looks serious, you are looking in the wrong direction." 

The thought is serious. Life itself is not. 

I have heard stories of people amid great suffering who still find humour, who still laugh, who still move toward one another with lightness. That tells me something important. That tells me we can be present with what is real and still not lose our joy. 

The Invitation

So here is the invitation. Notice how you feel when you treat a thought as truth and notice how it softens when you let it pass. 

You are not the narrative in your mind. You are not the project. You are not the performance. 

You are the awareness beneath all of it. 

When you take a small step back internally and stop monitoring yourself quite so closely, what opens up is space. 

And in that space, there is clarity.

There is creativity.

There is peace. 

If you are tired of thinking about yourself all the time and would love to explore what becomes possible when your attention turns outward, I would love to support you. 

You can start with my new Insight Timer course Freedom from Self-Consciousness or reach out for a deeper conversation about how we can work together. 

I’m here when you are ready. 

With love, Clare x